Dragon Slaying Tips

Dragon Slaying Tips

 

Never laugh at a live dragon.

            As a noble dragon slayer I often feel the need to pass on my years of wisdom and experience to those out there who may not understand how much of an art form dragon slaying actually is. Because of that inner need I occasionally come across more like a human fortune cookie than a sane and functioning adult. Now, thanks to the modern marvel know as literacy, I can share my knowledge and gifts with a new generation of dragon slayers without interrupting whatever it is that the people around me seem to think is more important that the finer points of dragon slaying.

            Do you need this information? Probably not but I have put a good deal of work into this essay so you are going to read it.

Dragon Slaying Tip #1: Carry Aloe.

            I am sure it is not news to you, the experienced hero now preparing to try their hand at dragon slaying, that fire burns. It should also not be news to you that dragons happen to breathe fire. The first tip should really be “do not get burned” but for a novice dragon slayer that is nearly impossible. Therefore you should always carry aloe with you or some other burn ointment of your choosing.

Dragon Slaying Tip #2: Size does matter.

            It should be known that slaying one dragon does not make you a dragon slayer. What it makes you is lucky. It does not take skill to win once but it does take skill to win half a dozen times. In the world of dragon slaying you either win or get burnt to a crisp and eaten for a mid-morning snack. That is why you must slay a minimum of two dragons to be considered a dragon slayer, five dragons to be considered a professional dragon slayer and ten or more to be a noble dragon slayer.

            In the same way the size of the dragon makes a difference in what sort of slaying it truly is. An infant dragon is no more dangerous than a cat and is only worth a very small percentage of an actual dragon kill while a fully grown dragon can be worth one to one and a half dragon slayings, only in very rare cases is a dragon worth more than one slaying.

Dragon Slaying Tip #3: Slay it or do not fight it all.

            Dragons have been known to hold grudges against “dragon slayers” for the entirety of their lives, which is practically forever. They also have more follow through than any creature you will ever meet. When a dragon says that he is going to melt the flesh off the bones of everyone you have ever met in your life, he will do it. So when fighting a dragon you have to be certain that it does not have a reason to hold a grudge against you. Trust me; a dragon with a grudge is the single most terrifying thing you will ever deal with and they have been willing to hold a grudge for even the slightest infraction.

The Hobbit (one of my favorite books)

For my dad’s birthday my mom and I bought him a copy of The Hobbit (An Unexpected Journey). We then watched the movie. So now I would like to comment on my second viewing experience of Bilbo Baggins and his thrilling adventure. So here goes these are my conclusions and post watching stories.

1) I can read The Hobbit in 9 hours so the next two films had better be equally awesome PETER JACKSON if you expect me to watch your three films of The Hobbit.Seriously though, I do not know what is going on in that man’s head to make him think breaking up that book into three but not breaking up each Lord of the Rings book into two was a good idea.

2) I love Dwarves. Gimli has always been my favorite in Lord of the Rings (well I do love me some Legolas but for a completely different reason). Therefore I do not believe there could ever be “far too many” dwarves in my dining room.

3) Every character was just fantastically acted. My friend Maery can testify that Kili and Fili have always been my favorite among the dwarves and I got the chance to love them all over again (not just for being the “hot boy band dwarves,” which would be some of the reasons for my love of Legolas in the Lord of the Rings films, but because they were just so fantastically performed). However EVERY DWARF WAS FANTASTICALLY CHARACTERIZED, I love them all SO MUCH!

4) Did we really need the whole pale orc story line? Come on. I have read the book a dozen times and I don’t think it added as much as some people did. 

Now for my post hobbit watching story.

The day after we celebrated my dad’s birthday and watched The Hobbit I went to work I went to work, like I do on most Mondays. It was pouring rain. We’re talking tons of rain. I was soaked just getting from my car to the building. 

I went in and started working but quickly discovered that I had forgotten some important database information in my car. So I had to drag myself back through the whole office. I flung the door open just as my boss was coming out of her office. 

“Where are you going Katie?” She asked me. 

I prepared myself to run through the parking lot. “I’M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!” 

“Okay.”

I will never be an atronaut

I love Science Fiction and Fantasy. I suppose that statement is a little obvious seeing as my facebook username has Rocketship in it and a third of the people I know refer to me as Katie Noble Dragon Slayer. Here’s the thing I know that I will never go to middle earth and meet any elves or things like that and after several forays into my wardrobe at at school has led me to believe that Narnia is not located there (I never did check the storage closet). So it would seem my only option is to go into space and fight robots or Klingon or giant spiders on Clendathu but I will never do that either because I will never be an astronaut. It’s not because I have poor enough eyesight that I will never be a navy fighter pilot and it is not because I probably will never be in good enough shape for that nonsense. Those are valid reasons but they are not THE reason.

I will never be an astronaut because I am irrationally afraid of outer space. Think about it. Space is terrifying. There is no air.

I guess that means my only option is to fight Terminators in a post apocalyptic world.