There are certain rules to life that social convention dictates we must follow. One of those rules is that when you have a friend who is moving, especially if they’re moving far away, that you must help them move by lifting heavy boxes and packing things up, sometimes you’ll even be asked to vacuum, and you do all this in exchange for pizza and drinks (and of course the opportunity to see your friend before they disappear into the abyss). There are however many reasons that this rule should be stuffed in a shoe box and hidden under the bed (like many of the great traditions of the days of yore) and many more reasons why we should just let the person who is moving just move in peace without their friends bungaling and sabotaging their efforts.
Reason 1: Yes, I still own every book I’ve ever read in my whole life.
I hoard books the way some people hoard cats and Pringles cans. Many of my dog-eared paper backs are books that I checked out from the library to read and immediately upon finishing them went and bought them from the local bookstore (or wal-mart if they were THAT kind of book) so I could go back and underline all the relevant data and scribble in the margins… and so I can display it on my shelves for all the world to see how brilliant I am. Then there are the large, hardbound, extremely heavy collected works of Mark Twain and Jane Austen and other brilliant writers and yes I NEED those as well and no you can’t just put them all in the same box, Mark Twain is American and Jane Austen is British, people will get confused if they are not in the right category and I don’t care if they don’t fit “properly” in the box they way I have them organized.
Maybe you should just leave the books to me. They are organized very specifically by date and genre and it took several hours for me to get them that way so I don’t want you to mess it up so I have to spend several more hours reorganizing them when I get there.
Reason 2: The furniture has to be taken apart in a very precise and exact order.
Furniture is weird. It has all these little nuts and bolts that have to come apart in the exact right order at the exact right moment with the wind and the sun in the EXACT right place. If you don’t do it correctly the piece of furniture collapses (usually on someone) and the entire world comes to an end (true story). The main problem with this is there is usually only one person in the room who knows the exact order and timing and frustrates the life out of everyone around them while they scurry back and forth. It’s a nightmare. I realize that taking apart furniture is usually a several person job but really it needs to be the kind of multi-person job where someone is at least getting paid for the extreme frustration they’re enduring. Or at least be a person who is going to keep their frustration to themselves.
Reason 3: That box is for nick-knacks BUT only for living room nick-knacks, this other box is for bedroom nick-knacks.
Don’t try to deny it. We all have nick-knacks and we all know that those nick-knacks have very specific places in both our lives and our hearts. Sure most people are not as obsessive as me to insist that THESE nick-knacks go with the t.v. THESE nick-knacks go with the books and so on and so forth. However everyone has nick-knacks that are special to them, and shouldn’t be handled a lot, or that they don’t really want people handling or counting out at all because honestly no one should have as many random things out on display as I do and 90% of it should not be hand painted my little pony dolls from etsy (that’s actually a blatant lie I don;t have any hand painted my little pony toys… but I should because that sounds AWESOME!).
Reason 4: Lifting Belts.
Now that I have driven you all to the brink of madness with all this packing (and correcting) of boxes it’s time to carry all of these heavy boxes down three flights of stairs (the elevator is broken) and load them into a truck. I will not be providing lifting belts or measurable upper body strength so please don’t hurt yourself (I’ll say I don’t want you to hurt yourself because I care about you but really its because I don’t want to be sued, moving is stressful enough without paying for your hospital bills).
Also I do not know the weight or the girth of any of these boxes and am too stupid to figure it out so I hope that doesn’t bother any of you.
Reason 5: The pizza is now cold
In my brilliance I probably ordered the pizza too early and no one wanted to eat before they were finished (awe you are all such good friends) so now the pizza is cold, and gross, and probably was not the highest quality to begin with.
I say that his particular social convention is HIGHLY flawed and that it would just be better to preserve the friendship and pack by yourself. If you really need help it may just be time to spring for professional movers.