Are You Lying to Me?

In almost every romantic comedy I can think of there is a wise old man, usually a father figure, who makes a comment about how it is at the end of ones life that one starts reevaluating and realizing the importance of the decisions they made at the beginning of their lives. I think this is an accidental lie. I think that there are actually many turning points and reevaluation points in a person’s life. Points where they look back at the moments that brought them to where they are and who they are. This usually happens when something BIG changes. Move to a new city, contemplating a new job, or in my case graduating from college (that’s right ladies and gentlemen it is another post about how I feel after graduating college). It’s a phenomenon known to the huddled masses as graduation goggles (I honestly don’t know if I just made that up or not). When wearing graduation goggles all the great memories seem so much larger and the bad things start to seem miniaturized, as though I was always just overreacting to them. So for the past few weeks I have periodically had wonderful memories run uninvited and extremely quickly though my mind, like streakers at a football game. Memories like this one:

Once my junior year I had planned to take a walk with a friend of mine and discuss our lives and things like that and about ten minutes before I was supposed to meet my friend she texted me saying that she was not going to be able to make it because she had “explosive diarrhea.” I looked at my phone and thought two different things. 1) “Well that’s gross” and 2) “Is… is she lying to me?” I handed the phone to my roommate. “Do you think she’s lying to me?” My face took on a quizzical look while I considered the implications. “You know, lying or not, I think I’m going to give it to her because that is dedication.”

I believe dedication is the key to any good lie; one of the many things I learned in my time at Pirate school. (For those who don’t know my school’s mascot is the pirates so I’ve just decided that I went to Pirate School)


Analyze and Discuss: A review of Magic Mike

Note: Anyone with an aversion to literary analysis, Freudian theory, and movies about drugs and strippers should probably not read this blog post. It’s simply not the kind of thing you would be interested in (because it will be very boring for you).

Now on to what I was going to talk about.

I had a very simple and elegant plan for my evening last night. I ate a little dinner and had the house entirely to myself so I was going to change into basketball shorts and read my book, probably finish it too. Then I got a phone call from my friend Brittany who was going to the midnight premiere of Magic Mike and wanted me to go with her. She was going with two other girls that I sort of knew, both had been cheerleaders at Whitworth as well as in Student Government with Brittany. For a moment I considered saying no until a young high school version of myself spoke up. “If you pass up going to the movies with your friend AND cheerleader/SBO’s to read your stupid book (like you always did in high school) I am going to time travel and punch you in the face.” I didn’t remember ever doing any time traveling in high school and punching a future version of myself so I figured that it was fate for me to go watch the movie. I spent most of the film analyzing different symbols and ideas being put forth in the movie (It’s really difficult for an English Major to simply shut off that part of the brain, Intro to Critical Strategies ruined me.).

For starters I felt that the story line needed some work. No one goes to see Magic Mike for the compelling story line but the movie certainly had one and it was not the story that was expected. Magic Mike was actually one of those hipster movies one hears about with strange camera angles and looking as though it was filmed  entirely (except for the stripping parts which were shockingly well lit) through Instagram filters (gosh, I know this photo was taken 10 minutes ago but it looks exactly like 1973). The story was more about drugs and a 19 year old boy’s decent into drugs and Channing Tatum’s rise out of the world where all the sorority girls, cheerleaders, and other women of the world flocked to the theater thought it was going o be more like Step Up 3; Take it to the Stage or something like that.

The other thing that I noticed about the film was all the phalic symbols. The film was literally packed with them (of course what else was I expecting) but that was not what was disturbing about it the disturbing thing was that there were two female characters and two yonic symbols in the entire movie and both of them were centered around one female character who had 0 development (except for being a breakfast lover).


Reasons why people shouldn’t help me or anyone else move

There are  certain rules to life that social convention dictates we must follow. One of those rules is that when you have a friend who is moving, especially if they’re moving far away, that you must help them move by lifting heavy boxes and packing things up, sometimes you’ll even be asked to vacuum, and you do all this in exchange for pizza and drinks (and of course the opportunity to see your friend before they disappear into the abyss). There are however many reasons that this rule should be stuffed in a shoe box and hidden under the bed (like many of the great traditions of the days of yore) and many more reasons why we should just let the person who is moving just move in peace without their friends bungaling and sabotaging their efforts.

Reason 1: Yes, I still own every book I’ve ever read in my whole life.

I hoard books the way some people hoard cats and Pringles cans. Many of my dog-eared paper backs are books that I checked out from the library to read and immediately upon finishing them went and bought them from the local bookstore (or wal-mart if they were THAT kind of book) so I could go back and underline all the relevant data and scribble in the margins… and so I can display it on my shelves for all the world to see how brilliant I am. Then there are the large, hardbound, extremely heavy collected works of Mark Twain and Jane Austen and other brilliant writers and yes I NEED those as well and no you can’t just put them all in the same box, Mark Twain is American and Jane Austen is British, people will get confused if they are not in the right category and I don’t care if they don’t fit “properly” in the box they way I have them organized.

Maybe you should just leave the books to me. They are organized very specifically by date and genre and it took several hours for me to get them that way so I don’t want you to mess it up so I have to spend several more hours reorganizing them when I get there.

Reason 2: The furniture has to be taken apart in a very precise and exact order.

Furniture is weird. It has all these little nuts and bolts that have to come apart in the exact right order at the exact right moment with the wind and the sun in the EXACT right place. If you don’t do it correctly the piece of furniture collapses (usually on someone) and the entire world comes to an end (true story). The main problem with this is there is usually only one person in the room who knows the exact order and timing and frustrates the life out of everyone around them while they scurry back and forth. It’s a nightmare. I realize that taking apart furniture is usually a several person job but really it needs to be the kind of multi-person job where someone is at least getting paid for the extreme frustration they’re enduring. Or at least be a person who is going to keep their frustration to themselves.

Reason 3: That box is for nick-knacks BUT only for living room nick-knacks, this other box is for bedroom nick-knacks.

Don’t try to deny it. We all have nick-knacks and we all know that those nick-knacks have very specific places in both our lives and our hearts. Sure most people are not as obsessive as me to insist that THESE nick-knacks go with the t.v. THESE nick-knacks go with the books and so on and so forth. However everyone has nick-knacks that are special to them, and shouldn’t be handled a lot, or that they don’t really want people handling or counting out at all because honestly no one should have as many random things out on display as I do and 90% of it should not be hand painted my little pony dolls from etsy (that’s actually a blatant lie I don;t have any hand painted my little pony toys… but I should because that sounds AWESOME!).

Reason 4: Lifting Belts.

Now that I have driven you all to the brink of madness with all this packing (and correcting) of boxes it’s time to carry all of these heavy boxes down three flights of stairs (the elevator is broken) and load them into a truck. I will not be providing lifting belts or measurable upper body strength so please don’t hurt yourself (I’ll say I don’t want you to hurt yourself because I care about you but really its because I don’t want to be sued, moving is stressful enough without paying for your hospital bills).

Also I do not know the weight or the girth of any of these boxes and am too stupid to figure it out so I hope that doesn’t bother any of you.

Reason 5: The pizza is now cold

In my brilliance I probably ordered the pizza too early and no one wanted to eat before they were finished (awe you are all such good friends) so now the pizza is cold, and gross, and probably was not the highest quality to begin with.

I say that his particular social convention is HIGHLY flawed and that it would just be better to preserve the friendship and pack by yourself. If you really need help it may just be time to spring for professional movers.

50 reasons why Marvel is Doing Better than DC right Now. Wonder Woman

I’m still lying to you and I still don’t have 50 reasons I just like to put a number on it.

Today I am tackling the problem with Wonder Woman. As I said in my last post (with the exception of Batman) DC is not doing as well as Marvel right now. This era belongs to the Marvel characters because they fit better into our current culture, era and whatever other fancy words I can think of (sometimes I sound really smart but this does not seem to be one of them). Wonder Woman is one of those super heroes that don’t fit well in our current cultural  paradigm, one of the many reasons that her movies and t.v. shows are not being picked up by companies.

It’s not that Wonder Woman isn’t great. She’s fantastic and people like her. The problem is that Wonder Woman’s popularity peaked during feminist movements. And why wouldn’t it? Wonder Woman is a princess, a classy lady, super strong and politically active (in one of the justice league cartoons she attended some conference on Nuclear weapons and stuff), and has defeated Superman on several different occasions (because she’s a bad ass). However, we do not live in a feminist uprising. We live in the Pinterest era where many women, even my super feminist friends, like to wear 50’s style dresses and cook fun things and be told by older women that in their day feminism meant staying as far away from the kitchen as possible. It’s not that women are being repressed it’s mostly that we’re not looking for a symbol any more. We would we need one. So Wonder Woman (even though she is awesome and will have VERY strong words with anyone who says otherwise) seems passe and outdated to the people she use to represent.

I feel like the fact that I’m tired and stressed out from not being able to find a job when coupled with the fact that I don’t want to insult Wonder Woman (she’s a super strong amazon warrior, you shouldn’t want to insult her either) has really muddled up my argument.

50 Reasons Why Marvel is doing better than DC right now. Superman post.

I’ve lied to you (I lie to everyone I don’t know why you think you’re so special) I don’t actually have 50 reasons right now. I’ve also mislead you (misleading people is just like lying but I don’t get in trouble for it). You opened this blog post believing that I was going to talk about the movies but that’s not exactly what I’m doing. Instead I would like to argue why (other than Batman because nothing will ever be cooler than Batman EVER except maybe dinosaurs) right now the marvel super heroes are more accepted in society than the dc heroes are.

So here’s why each of the DC heroes are failing in comparison to Marvel (and no it has nothing to do with the movies, comic companies, or whatever else you can think of).

The biggest reason that Superman is not relevant in this era is his lack of flaws. Who wants to look up to Superman when we can look straight ahead at Ironman and all the other Marvel heroes, I don’t want to strain my neck. Each of the Marvel heroes has that one tragic flaw that makes them relatable, they also generally only have one or two powers in their arsenal to work with. The fact that Superman has ALL the super powers except the ones we haven’t thought of yet is not exciting to watch. We like to watch our heroes overcome great struggles because if they struggle suddenly it is okay for me (or you, or you, or you, but not you) to struggle before we finally overcome our the problems in our own lives. Superman just doesn’t have that. Poor guy his real weakness is the fact that he has no real weakness (seriously he shouldn’t even have kryptonite, it’s a rock from a planet across the galaxy that was blown up and there should not be so much of it just lying around).

Superman’s other BIG problem is he just doesn’t belong in this era. Lex Luthor is a lame villain (with no fighting or anything like that) because he’s basically a prohibition age white collar crook/genius. Superman and Lex Luthor belong in the twenties and sometimes the big wars because that is the era where having a guy who could zoom around and save everyone all the time seemed like a really good idea. The world right now may be really scary but no one wants a guy who’s just going to fix it all the problems. Superman is a band-aid on a dam he’s not going to actually fix the problem.

Tune in later where I will be discussing Wonder Woman (my personal favorite). I’d just continue right now but it’s time for dance aerobics.

Criminals have 0 regard for people’s schedule

So far North Spokane has had a very exciting day because of that I have had a very frustrating day. I would like to start my story with two facts. Fact one: I have had a migraine since about 10:30 this morning. Fact two: At 4:15 there was a police stand-off about 2 blocks away from my house (dear readers, please don’t freak out the story is not finished yet and I would not have blogged about it if I were not completely safe). Now I’m not usually one to take pain killers (see how I’m just glossing over that second fact) but today at 4:20 I decided that I could NOT survive my migraine without taking something. I did a little sprint to the bathroom (like the Flash, who I often feel like when I run around in my red tank top and knee high boots) only to discover that I don’t own any aspirin (it’s one of the problems that comes with never taking medicine). So I sauntered out of the bathroom and announced that I was going to Wal-Mart because I was in the Marine Corp of pain and was not going to take it anymore. It seemed like a reasonable idea the police thing was in the other direction and to my knowledge it was a stand-off not a runner situation. Right after reaching the point of no return I learned that it was in fact a runner type situation, that my information was bad, and that it would have probably been better  if I had just stayed on my couch. It took the usual five minutes to get to Wal-Mart, five minutes in Wal-Mart (only because I couldn’t find the aspirin) and ninety minutes to get home, of all the days to not to have my iPod. So I learned several things today. 1) Always have aspirin in the house 2) If there is stand-off situation two blocks away you should NOT go to Wal-Mart 3) there are like 10 undercover cop cars in Spokane and 3) In addition to having no regard for human life most criminals also have no regard for other peoples schedules (I realize that this complaint is extremely selfish and self-absorbed but I believe it is still valid).

Don’t lie to me! I saw Top Gun.

Rock of Ages premiered in theaters this weekend. Rock of Ages also kind of flopped in theaters this weekend. It was beaten by Prometheus and Madagascar 3 and if Hysteria had been better advertised and showing in more theaters I’d be willing to bet that it would have beaten Rock of Ages too and I know exactly why. The fluff “news” piece I read said it was because Rock of Ages failed to attract younger audiences but that is not true. I am familiar with the staged musical, which  is very good, only because of younger audiences. There are plenty of people in the 25 and down age bracket that I am sure love the play. The reason Rock of Ages flopped was not the lack of a younger audience but the fact that EVERYONE who has ever seen Top Gun knows Tom Cruise can’t sing(most of the 25 -40 age bracket. I stop it at 25 because when I say to kids these days “what’s good for the Goose is _______” they respond with good for the gander rather than the real answer which is “good for the Maverick. This startling turn of events leads me to believe that kids these days are NOT familiar with Top Gun but that it still should not be remade EVER!). I might have gone to see it this weekend if I had not been certain that it would be 2 hours of “You’ve lost that loving feeling” (most of you read that in Tom Cruise’s “singing” voice) which I was certain it would be. So dear Box Office reporters and Movie Studio execs (and whoever cast Tom Cruise) DO NOT LIE TO ME! I saw Top Gun and I know that Tom Cruise can’t sing.

Of course back in 1986 when Tom Cruise looked like this

no one really cared that he couldn’t sing.