The 2nd Worst Place on Earth

Not many people know that in the years before Hell was created that God held a competition to see where it should be. This competition was like a beauty pageant in reverse. The first to be disqualified were the places that were pretty, talented, and seemed to have a future. The winner was named the worst place on earth and was promptly removed from earth and turned into Hell because there really did not seem to be anything else to do with it. The runner up, the one who must step in and perform Hell’s duties if Hell is somehow incapacitated, was allowed to go on with it’s life and was settled by Mormons on July 24th 1847 when Brigham Young crested the mountain at “This is it” place heritage  park in south Salt Lake City (conveniently the park was already named that). Yes it is true that Utah was the first runner up and almost winner of the Hell Pageant and has never forgotten it (there is some speculation that Utah would have won if Hell had not mysteriously gotten food poisoning right before the final interview portion and spent most of the interview vomiting on the judges). Like many beauty pageant, first runners up, has-beens Utah takes its duties very seriously and sometimes puts on one of the old crowns and prances about thinking that it truly is the  baddest place of them all. Today is one of those days.

So Utah thinks it has a right to pretend to be Hell. No big deal I only live here four weeks a year so it really should not bother me. WRONG! When Utah gets that crazy notion into its head and starts pretending to be Hell it tends to directly effect my life. Today (December 29, 2011) was supposed to be a good day. Today my parents, along with their 16 year old foster child, were going to drive me back to Spokane. We got up in the early hours of the morning (this is of course after a shoe fell from the sky and hit me in the face last night) got in the car at 5 am and started to drive north. Three weeks before today my parents submitted all the paper work to see to it that we could take their foster child out of state with us and all the people who should have been looking over the paper work and telling us yes or no never said anything and like free thinking people we understood that as it being okay. Then this morning when we were roughly two hours down the road who should call but the foster child’s case worker saying that we cannot possibly take him with us because he has to have a court give the okay in order to go out of state. This is a kid who is good but was in a bad situation not a criminal who needs permission to leave town, especially when he happens to be leaving town with his legal guardians. So after a quick breakfast in Pocatello and a little debate about what to do my whole family and I turned around and drove home deciding to fly me back instead. During all of this the case worker is arguing with my mother that she had been texting her since last night… my mother does not have texting and her phone is set up so that she does not even receive texts.

This is the part where I have to apologize to all of you my devoted readers (Amanda). I have to apologize because I am truly sorry that a 22 year old who is renowned for a lack of class and care about society’s laws has to explain to a woman who is entrusted with the lives (social and otherwise) of many children, teens, and the parents taking care of them how the world works. Call it what you will; texting etiquette, rule of thumb, the right way to do things (actually I like that last one, just call it that) there are certain rules that you have to follow when communicating. When you have something important to tell someone you call them, especially if they are in the over 40 crowd because you never know what kind of crazy things they are going to do. Even more importantly if you send an important text, e-mail, voice mail, etc and you do not get a response you have to assume they did not get it instead of making an ass of yourself by assuming that they did receive it. Then of course there is the second rule this horrible horrible woman broke which is do the homework that people are depending on you to do BEFORE the night before it is due. She could have looked into the rules for taking this kid on a trip three weeks ago when we gave her the paper work. I am sorry that I have to explain these things because the people in her life must have a truly awful time getting her to be a proper member of society.

So now I am back in Utah. The very same Utah that is the second worst place to be on the entire planet earth (technically the worst seeing as Hell was actually removed from earth). Now the foster child does not get to go see several college campuses (which would be a good thing for him) and most importantly my brother who did not get to see my family for Christmas does not get to see my parents this year because instead of driving me back to Spokane to spend a few days with him my parents are going to put me on a plane.

Someday I’m going to meet the personification of Utah and I am going to punch them directly in the face and break their jaw just for today’s crimes. (There are other crimes that Utah has committed that I’m sure it is going to need stitches for when I am done beating it up for them but the jaw is all for today.)

A “brief” explanation

I have decided that I really need to be famous at some point in my life (next Thursday would be good) and since they (Note: I do not personally know who “they” are but there seems to be a lot of them and they kind of scare me.) keep telling me that the world is going to end at the stroke of midnight sometime next winter now seems like as good a time as any to seek the fame and fortune that are rightfully mine. So here is the plan (and I think it is a rather good plan) for the entire year of 2012 I will post 1 blog post a week, which will probably only be read by my friend Amanda (HI AMANDA!) and possibly my mother (HI MOM!). These blog post will be witty and charming and you will all love them (Note: This is not a guarantee that blog posts will be witty, charming, or that you will love them.) and through that devotion you all will make me famous for which I thank you. ENJOY!