Probably a Velociraptor.

There are too many quetsions in my life. I’m not talking about questions I have because I know everything. I’m talking about questions posed by other people and then repeated over and over again.

“Why don’t you have a job yet?”

“What’s that over there?”

“Where should we hang this picture?”

“Who is Chris Evans?”

“What are your plans tomorrow?”

I DON’T KNOW STOP ASKING ME! I do tend to know a lot of the answers but I don’t understand why people insist on asking me all these questions because I am not a rich man,  a wise man, or Tevye (Those of you who do not understand that reference should follow this link and be educated: http://youtu.be/244Str11YNA ). So I have developed several ways of dealing with this problem.

1) “Why?” “BECAUSE I’M BATMAN!”

About two weeks ago I told my parents my opinion on something and my dad’s first question was “well why?” So I explained it and in my opinion I explained it very concisely and precisely. My dad asked why again so I explained why again. Now I have a policy that I do not asnwer the same question three times in a row (I also don’t repeat myself more than three times before I start making up different/ridiculous things instead but that is beside the point.) so when he asked again I responded with “Because I’m Batman!” It’s a good answer for the question why? because it always seems to workout well for Batman. The only thing that would make it better would be if I had smoke bombs in my utility belt that I could throw on the ground and then disappear.

 

I think it mostly works for Batman because he’s Batman and no one wants to argue with Batman.

 

2) “What was that?” “Probably a velociraptor.”

This method is best used with children or when people who are scaredy cats. Scaredy cats hear a sound and immediately ask “what was that?”Usually I don’t even know what they’re talking about. I didn’t see it or hear it or sense it or whatever so I just tell people “oh it’s probably a velociraptor.” As far as I know all the dinosaurs, except the ones on that island in Jurassic Park, are dead so most people laugh and then stop their line of inquiry, either that or they run away because velociraptors are dangerous dinosaurs (except my friend Alyssa who would run away from me but toward the Velociraptor because they are all her friends.).

 

This was the only time in my life when it actually was a velociraptor so, just fair warning with this one your results may vary.

Those are the two best ways to deal with unwanted questions that I have found and I believe they can be made to fit other questions.

While you’re here you should also follow this link and further educate yourself on Fiddler on the Roof because it’s awesome: http://youtu.be/8kT4FK5HJLo

 

My day of Watching The Avengers

As many of you know today was the day The Avengers came out on DVD. So upon crawling out of bed this morning and managing to wrestle on clothing at 10:30 in the morning (I don’t have a job why would I get up before that time) I went down to the store and bought myself a copy (I bought the cheap one without the bonus materials and cool stuff because I don’t have a job so I probably shouldn’t be spending the extra money). I then proceeded to sit down on my couch press play and my remote and end up looking like this:

 

for the rest of the day. It was not a pretty sight.

I know what you are thinking. You are now thinking “Katie that movie is barely three hours long. There is no way you managed to watch it all day.” Oh contrarywise my friends I watched it all day because I ended up watching it two and a half times. I watched through the first half, right up until SPOILER ALERT the villain gets taken to the secret flying base in the sky (is it really so secret if they keep showing it?) while bumming around on my computer applying for jobs and doing the bare minimum of things that productive members of society are often thought to do. And then my dad came home.

Some of you may recall my dad from a post many months ago he’s secretly MacGyver.

 

That guy.

I told him that I was watching Avengers and naturally he wanted to watch it with me (because seriously who wouldn’t want to watch Avengers with me? I’m awesome.) He told me he wanted to watch all the movies that led up to Avengers in order so I brought them all upstairs in the correct trying to be super accommodating but it turned out that before I came up he had managed to watch all of them, except Avengers, using only a paper clip and a tube sock because he’s MacGyver and that’s what MacGyver does. He did however insist on starting it over because that’s also what MacGyver does.

I got through the parts that I had just seen by shooting people with my nerf gun and helping rearrange furniture. Then the movie ended, the way movies often do. Just after it ended my mom came in and commented that we were being very quiet.

“Well I ran out of movie.”

“So is it my turn to watch it with you?”

“Yes, yes it is.”

And that is the story of how I managed to watch Avengers three times in one day and not on purpose because I actively try to not watch movies more than once in a three day period.

But it did mean that I got to watch Avengers three times (Really only once because I was working on other things for some of the day long viewing party and therefore not watching the movie that much except for that one time in the middle) and therefore got to watch these people be funny and actionable all day.

 

The moral of the story is that people need to start giving college graduates real jobs because I really REALLY need a life.

The Great Toilet Paper Debate

My internet explorations for the past few days have led me to an interesting place. They have led me to believe that the great debate about the direction we hang the toilet paper has resurfaced only this time with better weapons. Now it’s possible that this resurfacing has only occurred because the internet has run out of controversies to talk about (you know now that Twilight and Harry Potter are basically over and there are no royal or Kardashian weddings on the horizon) but it’s also entirely possible that it has actually turned into a big deal.

Both sides of the argument are steeped in both tradition and logic and honestly I think both sides are valid. If you have the toilet paper hang behind the roll then the cat cannot pull it down and destroy it. If you put it in front of the roll you can get it easily in the dark or tear it easily (I honestly don’t remember the exact argument I only read part of it). Honestly I don’t understand why it’s such a big controversy but, like all things, I have the solution to the problem.

I, being of sound mind and rocking body, say the solution is to simply not care in the slightest. You can hang your toilet paper any way you want.

The line between illegal and wrong

Earlier this afternoon my mom and I (in my lovely four wheel drive jeep known fondly as the migrator) popped over a cement barrier blocking one side of the parking lot from another. The parking lot was empty and we did it for a gallimaufry of reasons including but not limited to convenience. This action was perfectly safe and actually legal but the 16 year old pain in my ass sitting behind me in the vehicle ( a 16 year old who I have already had to tell once “there is no way you’re a good driver 1: you are 16 and 2: you don’t even have a learners permit.”)

Note: To any 16 year old who is following this blog please do not be offended I’m sure that for someone who has been driving a year tops that you are an exemplary driver. (Then there is also this… 

(continued from before the note) rolled her head around on the back of her seat moaning “that is so illegal!” I quickly explained to her that it was not illegal and that even if it was no one cared it was an empty parking lot. However if you subscribe to the Multiple Universe idea where every time we make a choice the universe splits I had several other responses. In one universe I turned quickly around in my seat and shouted “bitch please!” and probably continued in a generally unsavory manor until she understood that back seat driving is going to get her a one way ticket to walking home (my rule with back seat drivers is that if you are under 20 then I don’t care where we are I’m pulling over and you are walking. If you are over 20 you can back seat drive twice before I will never take you anywhere ever again. There are obvious exceptions).

In a second universe I put my sunglasses (aviators. I’m Ice Man, it’s the way I fly cold as ice no mistakes.) on and say “I am the law.” I must say that version of me is one of my favorites.

In the third universe I go into the fact that even if it was illegal it is not wrong and explain the line the great hero Batman and all the rest of us must walk between what is illegal and what is wrong.

(This blog post doesn’t exist in the other universes because in those ones I did not have time to muse about such things for long enough to decide to write this wonderful blog)

Because it is very true. There are things that are totally legal but completely wrong but there are other things that may be illegal but are not wrong in many cases they will actually be the right thing to do. It would be illegal for me to break into a building but if I (like Batman) knew that there was a child in that building about to be killed or the Joker had taken 23 people and one cat hostage in that building and was going to use them to trigger a bomb it would be wrong of me to not break in and stop those shenanigans from going down. It can be taken to much less of extremes than that. I know that manipulating people is wrong but it’s totally legal and something people do all the time. I manipulate all the time and it’s wrong but not illegal in the slightest. If it was there would be a lot of tv execs in jail right now.

So the moral is this: be it madam or miss to whom you have something to say… then you had better not back seat drive in my car or I will get very scientific and thought provoking on you and drag Batman into the scenario before posting it all over the internet so that there is no way you can argue with me.