I am a total dead loss as a woman

I have noticed recently that my lip gloss does not have an expiration date. However I have also noticed that my tube of lip gloss does not work, taste, shine the same way it did when I first bought it 4 years ago. That is why I started checking for the expiration date to begin with (I am wary of putting things in/on my mouth that have gone bad). This experience has made me aware of 2 things. 1) Most lip glosses do not have an expiration date. 2) They don’t have an expiration date because no one expects you to keep track of, let alone use, the same tube of lip gloss, or chap stick, for nearly 5 years. I’m probably right about both of those.

Obviously the people who came to these conclusions have never met me. I put on lip gloss or chapstick once every 8 days or so and then immediately put it back in the same pocket of my purse. I don’t wear a lot of make up. I like to rub my eyes, sometimes they get itchy. When I wear lip gloss my hair get stuck in it. It is so NOT super hero (which is my goal in life, I just don’t know where to find a vat of toxic waste). So I just never really wear make up and that is why my lip gloss is somewhere between 4 and 5 years old and probably expired. 

I am 24, nearly 25 and I have no idea how to do my own make-up. For years it was okay that I had no idea how to do my own make-up because most of my friends were theater majors and if I went to a party and needed some make up for my look either Isabel or Alyssa would usually do it for me.



For example. This entire outfit, hair, make-up, etc was the product of everyone who went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show but me. I simply stood there and let my friends dress me up (one of the benefits of being the size of a doll).



All the people in the above picture are great and exactly the reason that in college I never needed to have any particular skill or sense when it came to fashion and make-up.

Unfortunately I am no longer in college (and haven’t been for a while) and all those awesome people live quite far away from me. I can’t just text someone a picture of my outfit in the morning and ask if I look like a functioning adult. I might have to leave for work before they respond. And I certainly don’t know how to get them to do my make-up for a party over Skype, someday technology might advance that far but not today. So yesterday my friend Erin, who is also incredible and a hairstylist, sat me down and taught me how to do my make-up (now when I go to the theater and comic-con I can at least pretend to be able to function).

Turns out, I am a total dead loss as a  woman. By the end of the evening I had eye liner smeared all over my eye and hands and none of it was ending up where it was supposed to. When I’m not naturally good at something 1 of 2 things happens. I either get extremely hostile (something I’m trying not to be 15% less in 2014) or I turn it into a big joke and don’t take it seriously.

It is okay though, I don’t wear make-up very often anyway and I already sort of was a dead loss as a woman, I’m a terrible cook, I’m always armed, and dresses don’t have pockets so I don’t wear them… ever. Instead I’ll just go ahead and watch Gladiator again and beat people up. That’s more fun anyway.


7 thoughts on “I am a total dead loss as a woman

  1. First of all. Why do I have to re-enter my email name etc every dam time I comment. It is not like you don’t already have all that info.
    Second, forget the makeup. It makes women look weird.

  2. You just need to wear a belt (utility belt) when you wear a dress, then you will have the lack of pockets taken care of. That is what Batgirl does.

  3. You are saying that you don’t rate yourself much as a woman ???
    Well – let me assure you that there is nothing wrong with you …
    If I was 20 years younger – I would certainly date you !!!
    What the hell – where do you live ?

    • Um… Thank you, I’m very flattered but I’m not going to tell you where I live (you being a total stranger on the internet). I also have no interest in dating, that’s not what this blog was about but I am flattered.

      I would, however, like to ask why you feel the need to say that you would date me, this blog post was not about wether or not I think people find me attractive (and I certainly don’t take my value from whether or not men would date me). This blog was more about how I just don’t consider myself traditionally feminine.

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