I don’t like to share

Before I start I want to let all of my faithful followers know that I have fixed the problems with the last 2 posts. Posting from a tablet just isn’t the same as posting from a computer.

ANYWAY!

I’ve talked about in the past, mostly in reference to food and books, but it has come to my attention again and I think I need to work through it a little, I am not good at sharing. it’s not just tangible things that I have a hard time sharing either. In fact, its mostly intangible things that I have a really hard time sharing.

I’ve been watching through the whole Avatar franchise again over the last few weeks, it’s just good television, and posting a lot of Avatar cosplay onto my pinterest boards. A friend of mine who I’m going with to Comic Con in September really liked the cosplay and said she wanted to do it. My response was “I won’t let you cosplay as an Avatar character without at least watching the Last Airbender series.” And now she is. I should be happy about this but I’m not. I told her exactly what to look for on Amazon and that I thought she would enjoy it (which she is and I really did think she would enjoy it) I just wasn’t ready to share this thing I love with her, or anyone outside of a really small group of people I was already sharing it with.

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Its not really that I don’t want to share the things that I love but that other people don’t love them in the same way I do and that makes me feel possessive and defensive. I also feel possessive and defensive when they start to obsess MORE than I do. There’s no way that they can actually love it more than me but it looks like they do. It’s stupid but this is something that is really hard for me. I don’t like sharing my intangible things with others.

Why? Someone shared it with me to begin with and there are hundreds of thousands of people who I already share it with. I should not feel this way, especially about sharing something I like with someone I like. Especially when it is all I want to talk about.

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I think it boils down to the fact that I like to be a little bit weird. I like to have my thing that makes me different than others. I roller blade almost every day and when I see someone over the age of 13 rollerblading on the same trail I feel like they are encroaching on MY territory. And I feel the same way about Avatar (it turns out). I feel like it is my special thing that I share with Justin, Dana, and Caitlin and no one else. If someone else loves it too I might lose it. It’s a very complicated emotion and I wish I didn’t feel it.

The sum of it is that I’m sorry if I share something with you then act a little weird about it. I want you to love it I just, also don’t want to share. Sorry.

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What else is there?

 

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Here’s a crazy thought, what if instead of fighting for every woman’s right to feel beautiful we were fighting for every woman’s right to feel respected and worthwhile?

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how men seem to think that the things women do are solely to impress or attract men. And also about how people think that there are people who “shouldn’t” wear certain things. Saying that a certain woman “shouldn’t” wear a bikini implies 2 things; 1) that there is someone who should be wearing a bikini and 2) that the person who is wearing that bikini is doing it because they want people to look at them. Maybe said person is wearing a bikini because it’s too hot out for real clothing and it’s super frustrating trying to go use the bathroom in a one piece (honestly that is the only reason I wear a two piece swimsuit) and maybe, just maybe, they don’t care if you are enjoying the view.

I’ll go back to the beginning of the story before we go too far down the rabbit hole.

The other day at work one of my coworkers came into the “office” where I work and started telling a story about how a woman who lives near him was mowing her lawn in a bikini.

“Oh I do that,” I interrupted, “I figure, if I have to be doing yard work when it is more than 80 degrees I might as well be comfortable.”

I think that made him a little uncomfortable but he brushed past it. “Anyway this woman should not have been wearing a bikini, you know what I mean.”

To my shame I did not correct him or explain how much I hate that way of *thin*king but I should have because I have been dwelling on what that phrasing means for the last few days. My coworker did not mean anything by it, he was just telling a funny story about him and his son, it just shows something that I consider wrong about our society.

Here’s the thing, if a cute thin girl mows the lawn in a sports bra or bikini no one really gets upset and if a thin cute girl dances like an idiot its cute. BUT if a person who does not fit into our teeny tiny box of what is attractive does either if those things they become the butt of our jokes. It is not okay. It’s not okay that we act as though “unattractive” people don’t deserve respect. If someone wants to wear a bikini or a short skirt they should do that. Why the hell not? If that is how you are comfortable or how you like the way you look then do it! People who think a person “shouldn’t” wear something don’t have to look.

Men are the worst about this particular thing because, I am sorry to say, they have been taught to believe that being attractive is what women owe to the world and that the things women do are for their enjoyment (and I know, not all men believe that but enough do that its a problem). When I wear my shorts and tank top or a crop top in the summer it isn’t because I’m showing off my body and want to be looked at (it really isn’t honestly most of the time I wish no one could see me so I don’t have to talk to them. I also believe that my sunglasses makes me invisible and I never take them off during the summer) it is because it is hot and I don’t function when its over 85 degrees. So when a woman wears something that a man thinks makes them look unattractive they suddenly shouldn’t wear that.  That’s stupid.

So here’s my thought, maybe if you don’t like the way someone looks don’t look and respect them enough to understand that they aren’t wearing that for you but four them. Maybe if we respect everyone like they are people we won’t have to fight for every girl’s right to feel beautiful because beauty won’t be all that matters to us.

That’s it, that’s all I have to say on the subject.

Sorry, this isn’t the blog I had planned on posting today but I do think it was the one that wanted to be written today. Tune in sometime this next week for my commentary on Avatar: Last Airbender. Also I am sorry that the link to my last article wasn’t working, I’m going to try to fix it.

Can You Go Back

I’ve been tutoring a student I language arts recently (English) and one of the things I’ve been helping her with is actually sitting down and reading. I love reading so this has been a little tough for me, “what do you mean that book is to thick? That book is great! Why don’t you like it?” So after a bit of trouble, and digging, I found an old Sweet Valley High book and gave it to her to read. Surprisingly, she loved it.

I set off to find a few more Sweet Valley High books for her to read.

(I realize that the first of those books was released in 1983 but you would think that the library would have them. They had 4, none of which were the original 12 written by the original author)

Finally I tracked down and ordered a copy oof the first three (i’m insistent that even that I’d of series should be read in order) i don’t think I ever actually read those books so I sat down to read the first. Even if I had read them as a kid I don’t think you can go back once you become an adult. I just could not root for one of the twins, she was a spoiled,selfish  brat. Or maybe I’m supposed to hate her, the author clearly liked the other twin better too.

This really has me wondering, what else did are all love as kids that don’t hold up as adults? The Babysitters Club? Space Jam? Are all of my happy childhood memories a rose colored lie?

Or am I trying to think to deeply about a series titled Sweet Valley High?

Stay tuned because I am going to read the first 12 and review them individually, should be fun.

Anxiety, Depression, and Faith

“I accept that this is not my kingdom. I’m working toward a kingdom that does not exist yet.” – my dad when I asked him how to cure my anxiety.

So…

Not long ago I posted a question on Facebook, “I need a permanent fast-acting cure for anxiety. Does anyone know of any?” As a christian many of my friends are Christians and the vast majority of answers i got were “prayer.” You know, the ones that weren’t various supplements that you have to take daily. I am not against the power of prayer, I am a Christian, prayer plays a big part in my life, I firmly believe in God’s provision. Its just “have you prayed?” Was not the answer I was really looking for.

Many Christians have this belief that if you have true faith you can’t  have anxiety and depression. Which, in my experience, is not true for anyone. That would be because anxiety and depression are not faith related issus, they are chemical imbalances in your brain, just like ADHD. Yes, God can cure a chemical imbalance in your brain. No, prayer is not always going to do that.

So how do I deal with the fact that I have faith and have also struggled with depression for all of my adult life and crippling anxiety for the last several years? Well, I accept that it is not something God has done to me and that it has nothing to do with my prayer life or faith. Just because I feel anxiety does not mean that I’m not placing my faith in God, it honestly has more to do with the fact that I ignore all of my emotions until all I’m left with is the negative physical affects and have no idea what I’m even anxious about. I then accept that I still have shit to get done and get to work.

But that stills leaves me with the problem that sometimes I’m tired of the way I always feel and want a forever cure for it. I’m sorry but prayer is not going to magically do that. Prayer is not a magical cure all for everything, sometimes God is going to say no. God is going to say no to magically during my anxiety. Instead I have to ask what it is that God wants me to do, rather than feel awful all the time. I remind myself that there are things more important in my life than paying medical insurance or anything else that has to do with money or the future.

Instead of worrying about money I am just going to keep taking one step and then the other in faith that God always provides. This isn’t my kingdom and its okay.