Thoughts on the new Red Dawn

The new Red Dawn was not terrible. They did some good things with it that I was not expecting. BUT it was not as good as the original. If you think it was better than the original then you have horrible taste in movies.

Did we really need the whole “romantic” subplot? No. I would have enjoyed watching Chris Hemsworth save Washington without some high school girl mooning over him the whole time. I would have also liked to see the monument with the names like they did in the original.

Also I have been all over Spokane and do not tell me that those were the best locations to fight evil from because seriously they were not.

Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today.

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Today I watched a couple of episodes of Phineas and Ferb and, as always, I have some comments. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

Actually, let’s not start at the beginning. Let’s start where I want to start. Perry the Platypus is shockingly a lot like James Bond. Not in the super spy way, although that is true too, but in the remind every villain that this secret organization is real and should be hated way.

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He shows up, totally expected, and ends up trashing Phineas and Ferb’s super awesome roller coaster (or whatever else they built) in a very public manner. Other than the fact that he wears that clever disguise and Doofenshmirtz lives down town (the boys clearly live in the suburbs) I don’t know how that family does not know that their pet is a spy. 

Clearly it is not just the mother who is oblivious. 

On that note let’s discuss how the only member of that family who is not super oblivious is Candace and she’s a basket case.

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I think that is a commentary on society. People like Candace and Monk, who know what is really going on in the world are basket cases. They fear everything. Or yell about everything. You see Candace has seen behind the curtain (and is no longer blissfully ignorant about what the government really does) and that is why she freaks out and wants the boys to be caught. 

I’m just kidding, Candace is in no way a commentary on the government or germs or anything like that. What is probably really going on is that all those children (Phineas, Ferb, and Candace) are all genius’s. How else do they build flying cars? 

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“Ferb I know what we’re going to do today!” How does that boy do that? He just comes up with something to do? When I can’t decide what way I want to turn when on an adventure I flip a coin. I’m terrible at coming up with things to do and when I decide to create a beach in my backyard it tends to be more like an inflatable pool that doesn’t even get filled. I’m impressed. I don’t know what else to say about those poor boys.

Now comes my final and most important comment on Phineas and Ferb, which was probably the last good show Disney had,

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That boy needs to deal with his perpetual full body sun burn. Seriously. 

Dragon Slaying Tips

Dragon Slaying Tips

 

Never laugh at a live dragon.

            As a noble dragon slayer I often feel the need to pass on my years of wisdom and experience to those out there who may not understand how much of an art form dragon slaying actually is. Because of that inner need I occasionally come across more like a human fortune cookie than a sane and functioning adult. Now, thanks to the modern marvel know as literacy, I can share my knowledge and gifts with a new generation of dragon slayers without interrupting whatever it is that the people around me seem to think is more important that the finer points of dragon slaying.

            Do you need this information? Probably not but I have put a good deal of work into this essay so you are going to read it.

Dragon Slaying Tip #1: Carry Aloe.

            I am sure it is not news to you, the experienced hero now preparing to try their hand at dragon slaying, that fire burns. It should also not be news to you that dragons happen to breathe fire. The first tip should really be “do not get burned” but for a novice dragon slayer that is nearly impossible. Therefore you should always carry aloe with you or some other burn ointment of your choosing.

Dragon Slaying Tip #2: Size does matter.

            It should be known that slaying one dragon does not make you a dragon slayer. What it makes you is lucky. It does not take skill to win once but it does take skill to win half a dozen times. In the world of dragon slaying you either win or get burnt to a crisp and eaten for a mid-morning snack. That is why you must slay a minimum of two dragons to be considered a dragon slayer, five dragons to be considered a professional dragon slayer and ten or more to be a noble dragon slayer.

            In the same way the size of the dragon makes a difference in what sort of slaying it truly is. An infant dragon is no more dangerous than a cat and is only worth a very small percentage of an actual dragon kill while a fully grown dragon can be worth one to one and a half dragon slayings, only in very rare cases is a dragon worth more than one slaying.

Dragon Slaying Tip #3: Slay it or do not fight it all.

            Dragons have been known to hold grudges against “dragon slayers” for the entirety of their lives, which is practically forever. They also have more follow through than any creature you will ever meet. When a dragon says that he is going to melt the flesh off the bones of everyone you have ever met in your life, he will do it. So when fighting a dragon you have to be certain that it does not have a reason to hold a grudge against you. Trust me; a dragon with a grudge is the single most terrifying thing you will ever deal with and they have been willing to hold a grudge for even the slightest infraction.

The Hobbit (one of my favorite books)

For my dad’s birthday my mom and I bought him a copy of The Hobbit (An Unexpected Journey). We then watched the movie. So now I would like to comment on my second viewing experience of Bilbo Baggins and his thrilling adventure. So here goes these are my conclusions and post watching stories.

1) I can read The Hobbit in 9 hours so the next two films had better be equally awesome PETER JACKSON if you expect me to watch your three films of The Hobbit.Seriously though, I do not know what is going on in that man’s head to make him think breaking up that book into three but not breaking up each Lord of the Rings book into two was a good idea.

2) I love Dwarves. Gimli has always been my favorite in Lord of the Rings (well I do love me some Legolas but for a completely different reason). Therefore I do not believe there could ever be “far too many” dwarves in my dining room.

3) Every character was just fantastically acted. My friend Maery can testify that Kili and Fili have always been my favorite among the dwarves and I got the chance to love them all over again (not just for being the “hot boy band dwarves,” which would be some of the reasons for my love of Legolas in the Lord of the Rings films, but because they were just so fantastically performed). However EVERY DWARF WAS FANTASTICALLY CHARACTERIZED, I love them all SO MUCH!

4) Did we really need the whole pale orc story line? Come on. I have read the book a dozen times and I don’t think it added as much as some people did. 

Now for my post hobbit watching story.

The day after we celebrated my dad’s birthday and watched The Hobbit I went to work I went to work, like I do on most Mondays. It was pouring rain. We’re talking tons of rain. I was soaked just getting from my car to the building. 

I went in and started working but quickly discovered that I had forgotten some important database information in my car. So I had to drag myself back through the whole office. I flung the door open just as my boss was coming out of her office. 

“Where are you going Katie?” She asked me. 

I prepared myself to run through the parking lot. “I’M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!” 

“Okay.”

He’s a Jedi

I have concluded, for reasons that I believe are obvious, that E.T. is a Jedi. Many of you may be familiar with the little attempt at a meme swirling around certain Pinterest circles that points out that E.T. is actually part of the Star Wars universe. If you are not familiar with that don’t worry because I will go ahead and explain it anyway. 

Of course most people remember the moment in E.T. where Elliot takes is new found buddy trick or treating and he sees the boy dressed up as Yoda.

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It’s when E.T. points at the kid and says “home” before trying to follow him. Obviously there are little green frogmen somewhere in the world that E.T. is from. A world that is advanced enough to create spaceships that can travel into our solar system from another solar system (and miraculously lands on the only planet capable of sustaining life), what we do not realize is that the ship also comes from a “galaxy far far away.” This is not the civilizations first foray into our solar system either. One of the evil scientists tells Elliot that he had been waiting for this moment since he was ten WHEN AN ALIEN VISITED HIM! They have been here before and decided that we were not nearly advanced enough to produce proper Jedi’s and left (or maybe that is what some “alien abductions” really were). 

Fortunately for my argument E.T. is not my only source of proof for my argument that E.T. is a Jedi. If it were this would be a pretty thin argument. There is also the overlooked cameo of these adorable little aliens in one of the prequel Star Wars movies. 

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I know I overlooked it for years but there he is just hanging out with the rest of the senate. This is not just proof that Steven and George were in cahoots but that E.T. has to be a Jedi. Clearly he is from the same far far away galaxy as Yoda and Han (no one else is important… that is a lie they’re all important). 

Being from the same world does not technically mean that he is a Jedi but now, with that fact in mind, you should take another look at E.T. How did he manage to make those colorful clay balls fly in the air? Better question; how did he make that bicycle fly? He did those things using the force. E.T. is a Jedi. 

Now here is what probably happened. The E.T. aliens appeared to George Lucas and told him the whole story (in the universe where E.T. is a true story. I doubt that would be this one). Then, much later, E.T. who was one of Luke’s pupils arrived and no one had any idea that Star Wars was real. 

I have no intention of getting into the weird emotional connection he had with Elliot because that has no explanation.