I Have Very Mundane Dreams Sometimes (This Blog Post is Rated R for Strong Language)

Sometimes I have incredibly mundane dreams in which I am driving my car (I don’t know where) with a random group of celebrities (usually) and singing along with my radion. Yeah, those dreams are riveting. Several months ago I had one such  dream that I REALLY wanted to share with someone but unfortunately could not. There was just never the right moment.

I waited, like a panther stalking it’s prey, for an opportunity and the other day, while out with my friend Erin I got that opportunity.

Erin and I were listening to Disney music and discussing several of the Disney princes. You know, a very mature conversation about film and literature (yeah right). This was perfect for me because those happened to be the activities in my dream.

I turned to Erin and started telling her my tale.

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A few months ago I had a dream that I was singing a song from Aladdin and made a comment about princes and how the last time I checked marrying a general’s son does not make you a prince when a voice behind me said, “you know, Disney Princes are not real princes. I turned around in my chair (still driving my car) and looked at the British red head in the back seat. “Fuck you Harry,” I said “you’re not a real prince.”

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I feel like I need to specify here. This was in the dream, not in real life (I don’t know prince Harry in real life or have any idea why I would drive him anywhere in real life.

Once I finished Erin looked at me saying “if only that could be real life.” This is one of my favorite dreams I have had. I like to call it to mind whenever I am feeling blue.

(Thank you, Prince Harry, for that and also I am sorry. I’m sure you are a real prince but I’ll say it again if you go dissing the Disney princes while riding in the back seat of my car ever again.)

Belle would beat any other princess in a fight

The other day, when I accompanied my parents to Sam’s Club, I walked into the store, looked around, and announced that I think Belle (from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast) would beat any other Disney princess in a fist fight. The only exception would be Nala because Nala is a lion but gets into the rankings on a technicality because she is a princess.

After my announcement I went on to list every Disney princess and the virtues they had which would make them win or lose a fight. Please remember that these are only officially recognized princesses so don’t give me that Tinkerbell or Mulan bullshit.

SnowWhite (1937)

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SnowWhite would really be no use in a fight. I doubt she could beat any of the Disney princesses in a fight. She runs away from scary trees and won’t even smash that spider that has built it’s home on the dwarves dishes. Come on now, really?

The biggest disadvantage Snowy here has is that she was raised, created, and etc in an era where women were not really fighters. They were pretty and capable in their own right but people did not like freakishly strong women at the time so she was not given that spirit that we see in a lot of later princesses.

The fact is that SnowWhite would not only lose but probably run away crying before the fight actually began and I don’t want that to happen, crying people make me uncomfortable.

Cinderella (1950)

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Cinderella has the same problem as SnowWhite, the girl has no fight in her. If Cinderella had any fighting spirit in her the movie would have been about 1/4 the length and her wicked stepmother would have found herself tied up in an investigation for the murder of Cinderella’s father years earlier.

That would be a great movie, I’d watch that.

It’s not that Cindy doesn’t have the strength or skills, we all saw the way she carried those three heavy trays up the stairs at the beginning of the movie. She just doesn’t have the personality to really put them good use in an exhibition boxing match.

Sleeping Beauty/Aurora/Briar Rose (1959)

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That interaction right there is why Sleeping Beauty would lose a fist fight. She would probably beat both Cinderella and SnowWhite (everyone would beat Snowy but Cindy would be a closer fight). While strong, from growing up as a peasant, and willful Briar Rose/Aurora’s fight or flight instinct is heavily weighted toward flight. It would be a good fight, she would dance around the ring a bit but in the end we all know that Belle is going to take her down.

Ariel (1989)

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Poor Ariel, she doesn’t stand a chance. First off, her legs hurt all the time and that would be a problem in a fist fight. She’s also tiny, like the same size as tiny SnowWhite, and Belle would snap her like a twig. Her real problem is that she is not tricky. Her whole story revolves around the fact that she is too stupid to trick people into giving her what she wants (don’t you dare argue because if you go back and watch the movie you will discover that I am right). her instincts are all wrong. Sure she can trick a shark but a shark is a lot different than a person, especially one as smart as Belle. I think Ariel would do well against most of the other princesses  but my argument is skewed entirely toward whether or not Belle could win so I’m not going into a ton of stats and other nonsense.

Jasmine (1992)

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I love Jasmine. Jasmine is a power house. She’s got wiles, she’s got instincts, she’s got fighting spirit… she doesn’t really have the strength to take Belle on (I’m talking after she almost gets her arm chopped off, not before). It would be a close fight, a good fight but in the end I think that her lack of physical strength would be her downfall. I mean, she can’t even break that glass in the sand glass or punch Jafar in the face. It would have been a better movie if she had… and that’s me talking about my favorite Disney movie and princess.

Pocahontas (1995)

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Need I remind you that Pocahontas is a pacifist? If she wasn’t too busy singing about all the colors of the wind she would be protesting the whole boxing exhibition match or stepping in saying “guys, can’t we talk about this?” She’s got all the skills to win but her principles would keep her out of the fight. So I guess, technically, that would mean SnowWhite could beat her too… unless Snowy was talked into protesting with her.

Tiana (2009)

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First of all Tiana is a frog for most of her movie and you can step on a frog, they don’t win boxing matches. However, human Tiana would be an excellent fighter. She knows what she wants and she gets it. And she does beat the shadow man as a frog. What would make her a good fighter is her dedication to hard work. I mean she would train a lot harder than anyone else for this fight but in the end she comes up against the same problem Jasmine does which is strength. Strength wise she’s no match for Belle.

Rapunzel (2010)

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Weapons are not allowed. Rapunzel’s hair and frying pan are out as far as advantages go. If it is long hair her, then her hair will get in the way, if it is short hair her then she loses her escape abilities. Rapunzel main fight skill (barring hair and frying pans) is bargaining and I just don’t know how far that would get her. “If you let me win I’ll give you one of my three books which you’ve probably already read because you’re Belle and a huge nerd.” Then Belle would be mad and beat Rapunzel out of spite for calling her a nerd.

I am not including Merida because, while she is recognized as an official princess she’s pixar and I think that, just like being a lion, that being pixar would be cheating. Merida and Nala are both out on technicalities.

Finally

Belle (1991)

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How can I even begin to list Belles virtues in a fight? Let’s start with physical strength. She obviously has incredibly powerful arms from carrying all of those books all the time and she picks up the beast and puts him on her horse after the wolf fight. She’s too brave for her own good, yelling at the beast, volunteering to be a prisoner, pushing Gaston out of a door (like he’s not going to get mad about that). Belle is also the smart princess. She’s always reading and inventing and stuff.

However, her most important fight virtue is shown in her opening song. Belle is incredibly atuned to the world around her without even looking at it. She double dutches with some girls while reading a book and avoids having a chamber pot dumped on her. Seriously. She also seems to do this without the use of her ears because she doesn’t notice that everyone is singing about her as well. This means that no matter how tricky the other princesses are they CANNOT sneak up on Belle.

Fact

True Story